Are you tired of those insufferable top performers making everyone else look bad? You know them—the ones who actually prepare for calls, understand their customers’ businesses, and hit quota like it’s not optional. Well, congratulations! You’ve discovered the definitive guide to being the world’s most aggressively average salesperson. Let’s master the art of doing just enough to avoid both success and unemployment.
Step 1: Perfect Your Soul-Crushing Discovery Questions
Why develop genuine curiosity when you can sound like every other sales robot from the past two decades? Here’s your script, guaranteed to make prospects contemplate a career change mid-call:
“What keeps you up at night?”
(Because you’re either selling Ambien or security software.)“What are your biggest challenges?”
(Translation: Please do my job for me.)“What are your priorities this year?”
(As if they’d say “Well, we’re aiming for total failure.”)“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
(Definitely not on another call with you.)“How does your evaluation process work?”
(Watch them die inside as they realize you’re already talking about buying when you haven’t established any value.)
Pro Tip: Ask these in exactly this order, regardless of context, industry, or the prospect’s increasingly audible sighs. If they try to redirect the conversation, just circle back to your script like a chatbot having a stroke.
Step 2: Embrace Strategic Ignorance
Research is for overachievers. Here’s your comprehensive preparation checklist (consider most of these optional):
Skim their LinkedIn headline (reading the actual profile is try-hard behavior).
Google the organization’s name (first result only).
B2B seller? Check if they’re publicly traded (this counts as “financial analysis”).
EdTech seller? Look up their district strategic plan (knowing they have one allows you to reference it without reading it).
Make wild assumptions based on their industry.
Confidently misunderstand their entire business model.
Remember: Knowledge is power, and you’re not here to seize power. You’re here to send follow-up emails.
Step 3: Master the Art of Value-Free Follow-ups
Perfect the following email sequence, guaranteed to make your prospect’s delete key wear out:
Day 1: “Just wanted to follow up!”
Day 3: “Just circling back!”
Day 5: “Wanted to bump this to the top of your inbox!”
Day 7: “Did my last four emails go to spam?”
Day 10: “Should I assume you’ve been kidnapped by pirates?”
Day 15: “In case the pirate situation has been resolved...”
Pro Tip: Always use “Just” to start your emails. It signals to your prospect that even you don’t think this communication is important.
Step 4: Perfect Your Feature Vomit
Why listen to customer needs when you can recite your entire product catalog like you’re reading the phone book? Here’s your template:
“Our AI-powered, blockchain-enabled, cloud-native, quantum-computing-adjacent, meta-verse-ready platform leverages synergistic machine learning to optimize your digital transformation journey through a proprietary framework of scalable solutions that drives paradigm-shifting ROI through innovative disruption...”
Step 5: Cultivate Your Arsenal of Non-Answers
When a prospect asks a specific question, respond with these beautifully vapid phrases:
“That’s a great question...” (Translation: I’m stalling while I think of a lie.)
“Let me circle back...” (Translation: Let me ask ChatGPT.)
“It depends...” (Translation: I have absolutely no idea.)
“We’re very flexible...” (Translation: We’ll do anything if you pay us enough.)
“That’s not typically a problem...” (Translation: It’s always a problem.)
Step 6: Master the Non-Committal Close
Forget actually asking for the business. Perfect these powerhouse closing lines:
“Should we reconnect next quarter?” (When we both know there won’t be a next quarter.)
“Keep me posted!” (On how effectively you’ll ghost me.)
“Let me know if anything changes!” (Like your email address, phone number, and job.)
“The ball’s in your court!” (Where it will die of loneliness.)
Step 7: Become an Excuse Virtuoso
When deals inevitably implode, have these classics ready for your manager:
“They weren’t really qualified anyway” (They were literally your ideal customer profile.)
“Budget issues” (They just gave your competitor twice what you asked for.)
“The timing wasn’t right” (It was perfect—you just butchered it.)
“They’re still evaluating their options” (They signed with someone else last month.)
“It’s not a no, it’s a not now” (It’s definitely a no.)
The Average Salesperson’s Daily Affirmations
“Pipeline is more of a concept than a reality.”
“KPIs are just suggestions.”
“Read receipts are basically meetings.”
“LinkedIn profile views count as prospecting.”
“Out of office replies are technically engagement.”
“Being left on read is a form of relationship building.”
Essential Tools for Professional Mediocrity
A template library of emails so generic they could be about literally any product
A buzzword bingo card you use as your actual vocabulary
A comprehensive list of reasons why this quarter is “different”
The ability to look stressed while achieving nothing
A carefully curated set of industry “insights” from 2019
Advanced Techniques for the Ambitiously Average
The Strategic Ghost
Perfect the art of disappearing when:
A prospect asks about pricing
Someone mentions implementation details
Technical questions arise
It’s time to actually deliver value
Quarterly Business Review meetings approach
The Competitive “Analysis”
When asked about competitors, deploy these classics:
“We don’t really see them in deals” (Because you’re not in any deals.)
“Our solution is more robust” (You have no idea what anyone does.)
“We take a different approach” (You don’t know your own approach.)
“Let me send you our comparison chart” (From 2021.)
“They’re great, but...” (You’re about to make something up.)
In Conclusion
Remember: Being average isn’t just a performance metric—it’s a lifestyle choice. While others waste time “adding value” and “solving problems,” you’ll be perfecting the art of looking busy while contributing nothing of substance.
Now get out there and be aggressively, unapologetically average. Or don’t. Whatever. Send a follow-up email about it in six weeks.